River woke to the sound of the boys in the trees. She woke slowly, her eyes closed. Gray to pink, backlit by the sun. She’d slept long. “What time is it?”
Nothing.
“Rain?” The creak of the door. The smell of soap and fresh, wet skin. River kept her eyes closed. “Rain?”
“You’re still in bed? Get up already. You’ll be late for school.”
“They’re early.”
“They’re always early. Eager beavers.”
“Huh?”
“You’ve never heard that before. 'Eager beaver.' 'Eager as a beaver' or whatever.”
“Beavers are eager?”
“I don’t know, River. It’s just a saying.”
“But beavers aren’t eager.”
“Yeah, but it rhymes.”
“No it doesn’t.”
“Don’t start. You know what I mean. Anyway, they’re always early. Every year.”
“I never noticed.”
“Yeah, well I did. And they are.”
“I guess it never mattered before.”
“Not to you, I suppose, no.” A pause. “So. You excited?”
“Uhm. Something. I’m something.”
“Does that mean that you’re going to get out of bed?”
A pause. “I think I’m going to cut off my hair.”
“River…”
“They won’t like that, will they?”
“The boys? No, I think some of them will.”
“Well, I don’t want them to like it.”
“Some of them will like that too.”
A shift in the pink. Weight beside her. Soap smell and wet. Rain, looking over her. River opened her eyes. Sister.
“Don’t touch my face. Your hands are cold.”
“River…”
“What?”
“It’s gonna be okay.”
“It won’t”
“If you let it.”
“I won’t.”
Rain in her bath towel. Damp hair made her head look small. Pity on her face.
River sat up. “Did you leave the water?”
“What, in the tub?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Gonna wash up.”
“You don’t want to get your own water?”
“Makes no difference, we can share.”
“Okay, I just thought that you usally-”
“It’s not a usual day.”
“I guess.”
“You gonna be here when I get out?”
“Probably not. I thought I might go find Cloud.”
“Oh.”
“You won’t tell, will you?”
“Of course not.”
“We’re not supposed to pair off until tomorrow.”
“I know.”
“I’ve just missed him, so. It’s not like we’ll do anything. Just talk or whatever but.”
“I don’t care. Do what you want. I’m not saying anything.”
“Right. So.”
“See ya?”
“Yeah. See ya.” Rain left her sitting on the bed.
---
The bathroom was primarily wooden and smelled so. Like pine. Like trees. Like the women in the woods. River sat on the toilet and wiped. Breathing slowly, she looked at the blood on the tissue. Red on white. Pink, like the inside of her eyes. She dropped it and flushed. And bathed and dressed. And cut off all of her hair.
Then she stood in the doorway of the house and looked out at the town. “Hello, Marli.”
Hello, River.
Marli. Marli with its dusty roads and brown buildings. With its stone clock tower and big wooden windmills. Warm and sweet, most days. Most days, home. But different today. Because of the boys.
Marli is a town of women and girls. The women live in the woods where the wind blows from and the leaves are always orange. The girls live in the plains where the wind blows to and the grass is always green.
The boys are strangers here. This is not their town. They come from their own place, a town of men and boys. The women and girls don’t know for sure, but they hear that the boys live in the valley. The men, up high in the mountains. In the snow. In the cold. This makes sense.
The boys come in the summer. They come every summer from that other town. They come and climb the trees, bask on the rocks. They come to crowd those dusty roads of Marli. They come to fill the markets, to sit in the ever moving shadows of the windmills. They come in just their blue jeans, tan skin taut over unnecessary muscle. They come with teeth like stars. And they show them when they come.
They come to Marli. The boys come to Marli. Every summer they come for the girls.
For their part, when they reach the right age, the girls line up. Outside the schoolhouse they arrange themselves. And one by one they're taken. They call this “pairing off.”
It was hot outside. They made it hotter. Uncomfortably so.
There they were, in the trees. Of course. She had heard them laughing loudly, talking low just outside her window. But to see them, to actually see them. And to know.
Tomorrow, River.
The laughing grew louder at the sight of her, the talking lower. Is this what it always feels like? River walked faster, her legs feeling too smooth under her dress.
There were more boys out on the road. Stars in their mouths, shining in her direction. She looked to her feet. Her feet took her toward the schoolhouse, into the place where the woods met the plains. Pool was there, where the last path started, waiting for her. Some things hadn't changed. River was glad to see it.
Pool spread her arms and opened her mouth. “Have you seen them? River, the boys are here.”
“I know. They’re early.”
“They’re always early.”
“…Eager beavers.”
“Yeah.”
“They’re not pairing off yet, are they? Not till tomorrow. Those are the rules.”
“Yeah. Last day of freedom, huh?” She rolled her eyes. But she half-smiled too. “You ready for it?”
“I’m not.” A pause. “But you are.”
“What? You’re crazy. No way. What makes you say that?”
“It’s just. I can tell. You. That you want it.”
“Nah.”
“I think so.”
“No.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I mean. I’m curious, but. Aren’t you?”
“No.”
The wind moved the leaves and the leaves moved the light. The girls were still.
“River. I’m not like the other girls or anything. It’s not a big deal. I’m just curious. I’m not. I dunno. Don’t be mad. Are you mad? Don’t be mad at me. Please.”
“No.”
“Do you really want to spend the day in class?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure? We could go somewhere. Just you and me. Our last day. We could go.”
“There’s nowhere to go. They’re everywhere already. But they won’t be here. They’re not supposed to be. The men say so. The boys don’t listen to us, but the men don’t want them here yet. I think today, this is the only place I want to be.”
“Okay, then.”
Pool held out her hand. River took it in hers. They walked uphill together.
“Probably won’t have much schoolwork anyway. Have you seen the other girls yet?”
“No.”
“Get ready.”
“Are they buzzing?”
“You have no idea.”
When they crested the hill, she saw the girls in the grass. Gathered in clumps. Laughing loudly. Talking fast. In a way, they were worse than the boys. Just waiting. Waiting to boil. To be boiled.
River swallowed.
Pool turned. “You okay, girl?”
River nodded.
Pool gave that half smile of hers. “I like your haircut, by the way.”
“Thanks.”
They stepped into the clearing that lay before the schoolhouse.
---
As Pool had predicted, little was accomplished. Classes stayed outside. The girls screamed and swatted one another. There was more than noise in the air. Or maybe the noise was just heavy. Whatever it was, River felt it. It made her slow.
Pool stayed by her for an hour or so, before the call became too great and she ran to wail with the other girls. River watched her.
She thought about Rain. Had she found Cloud? The one she’d paired with last year. Would he take her again? Were they doing so right now? That might get them both in trouble with the men. They had their rules and their rules must have reasons. They certainly had consequences.
Cloud had been nice. River hoped her sister had found him. Better him than one of the others. He’d been softer. Something. Cloud had been nice.
“River?”
She closed her eyes. She could still see Pool laughing. Grasping another girl’s arm. River felt the wind and sun.
“Ms. Tide?”
“Not feeling well?”
“I’m alright.”
She opened her eyes. Ms. Tide was very beautiful, River had always thought so. Looking at her, River wondered for the first time. “Ms. Tide?”
“Yes?”
“Did the boys come for you too?”
“Oh yes.”
“They did. Well, when did they stop, then?”
“Stop?”
“Yeah. When did you stop pairing off?”
Ms. Tide smiled. River closed her eyes again.
“It hasn’t stopped.” A pause. “It hasn’t stopped for me. Only changed.”
Eyes opened. “You mean they still. The boys of summer still come for you?”
“Oh no. Not the boys, River. The boys have no interest in me. They come for you. No. Not the boys. And not in summer.”
River sat. She felt her eyes, so open and dry. She felt hair stand up on her body. Her legs no longer felt smooth.
“You.”
Ms. Tide looked at River. River looked back and breathed deeper and louder than she had been. When she spoke it was a whisper. A secret. One she didn’t want.
“The men?”
Ms. Tide nodded. For a moment there was nothing to say. Another deep breath. “How?”
“They’re just more subtle than the boys. They still come. They slip into town. One by one. At night. They don’t make such a to-do, but they come. For years. You’ve probably felt them. You just don’t remember.”
River thought of all the times that she’d been awake before daybreak. Times she'd shivered in the dark. “I didn’t know. They. They’ve been in the town?”
“Yes.”
“How-”
“Often.”
“I thought they were stories.”
“They are.”
“Is it true then?”
“What?”
“That they’ll come for me if I don’t pair off.”
“River.”
“That’s the story, right? They come for you, all cold like where they come from. The cold they carry with them. If you don’t follow the rules, they say. If you don’t pair off, they punish you.”
“I wouldn’t worry about that. You’ll have no trouble, River. You’re a beautiful girl.”
River glanced at the others. Racing in circles. Then back to Ms. Tide.
“Why do we have to do it? Why do they want to do it? The girls, I mean. Them. You.”
Ms. Tide looked to the sky. The sun and wind again. River kept her eyes open to study Ms. Tide’s face. Her smile. Something about it. It made River feel like the wind from the woods. It was so pretty. But lonely. Like it was the only smile, the only one that had ever been. Or would be. No others to meet it. So sad to be the only one. But wonderful in its loneliness.
Ms. Tide’s mouth straightened. Sun on red hair. Breeze in it. Moving it into her face. She took no notice. Ms. Tide was elsewhere. So much older and far away.
River knew Ms. Tide. Her voice. “They pull us, don’t they?” The sound of Mrs. Tide's mouth. The wetness inside. Speaking so softly.
River shifted. Felt like an intruder. Ms. Tide took no notice. “If they come close enough, they pull us. And it isn’t the stars in their mouths. It’s not their bodies. Their muscles. No.”
“No.”
“Or maybe it is those things. Just not in the way that they think.”
The wind stopped. Ms. Tide’s smile returned. “We’re smarter, aren’t we? Smarter than them. Smart enough to know better. But they pull. There’s that pull. But. It's not with strength, is it?”
“I don’t know, Ms. Tide.”
“No. It’s not their strength that pulls us. It’s their weakness. Their weakness for us. And more maybe. We pretend. That we need them to take care of us. We don’t. It’s the other way. Isn’t it? It’s the other way around. We all know, but we pretend. Girls become women, women, mothers. But boys stay boys. Even when they’re men. And boys need mothers. They need us.”
“…”
“But maybe we need them to need us.”
River watched that smile. She tried to mimic it. She couldn’t.
Ms. Tide kept thinking, kept speaking. “They try so hard. But they know what really pulls us. It’s what’s in their eyes…”
Everything was golden. River was mildly aware of that. The sun looking like going down. And her own eyes shifting, as if trying to read.
“What?”
Ms. Tide turned. Noticed River. “What?”
“What’s in their eyes? What pulls you?”
Ms. Tide’s pupils seemed to spread. Big and dark and wet. “The moon,” she said. “The lonely moon.”
---
That night River sat in bed, head on the cold window, looking up.
---
There were boys in the trees come morning, just outside the glass.
Rain entered. Again, smelling wet. Again, smelling clean. “I saw what you did to your hair.”
“Yeah.”
“I still think it looks fine. No matter how hard you tried to screw it up.”
“Does it make you mad?”
“I don’t care. Do what you want.”
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“I just don’t understand you is all.”
“Did you find Cloud?”
“What’s it matter? You hate all this pairing off stuff anyway, right? You hate the boys and you hate the girls who love them.”
“I don’t hate them.”
“Right. You don’t care. Whatever.”
“I care about you.”
“Do you now?”
“And him.”
“Right.”
“I do. In my way.”
“And what way is that?”
“A different one than yours.”
“Oh, is that all?”
“That’s all.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So. Today’s the day.”
“Yeah, River. It is.”
“I know.”
“Are you gonna do it? Gonna lower yourself to our level?”
“I guess I have to, don’t I?”
“Yeah.”
“Or the men will come?”
“Yep.”
“The men of winter… Boys of summer, men of winter.”
“Girls of spring, women of autumn.” Rain rolled her neck and sighed. She sat on the edge of the bed.
River sat up. “I didn’t really believe in the men before. I mean. I didn’t really think one way or the other. They were just this thing. Stories. But Ms. Tide says they’re real.”
“Oh, they’re real.”
“How do you know? I thought they never showed themselves to girls. Unless. Well. You know. Unless they were coming to punish you.”
“There was a girl in my class, this was ages ago, my first or second year. Anyway, she was of age, her first time. And she didn’t pair off. There just weren’t enough boys or something, I don’t remember it all. I just remember when she didn’t show up the next day. Just. Gone.”
“That’s horrible.”
“That’s life.”
“…”
“River. You don’t always have to like it. It’s just something that we do. It doesn’t mean that much. Not until you want it to. And that’s your choice.”
“Thanks for trying.”
Rain moved closer. “Look. Sorry if I was a cold before. I just. I mean, why do you have to make things so hard? When mom left for the woods, you had to make a big deal. You had to ask why. You had to go looking. And we all got in trouble.”
“I know.”
“We’ll see her again. When we go.”
“You’ll be going soon, huh?”
“Probably. But that’s how it is. Accept it. Accept things. I know it sounds, well, it doesn’t sound nice. It sounds harsh, but it’s not. It just is. Accept things. They are what they are. Things are all that they can be and that’s it. Does that make sense? I know it doesn’t but. Just. River. It really will be okay.”
“I know. I just wanted a chance.”
“A chance to what?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping to find out.”
“Maybe you will.”
“I think it’s too late.”
“Maybe not.”
“Not if I leave Marli. Not if I run away.”
“Don’t even joke. You love Marli.”
“Do I?”
“Sure. Besides, where would you go?”
“Maybe there are other towns.”
“You don’t know that.”
“But maybe.”
“Don’t even joke.”
River lay her head down. Rain’s bony shoulder. Cold, wet hair brushed her cheeks. She closed her eyes. The world turned pink, backlit by the sun. And it was time to get ready for school.
Rain entered. Again, smelling wet. Again, smelling clean. “I saw what you did to your hair.”
“Yeah.”
“I still think it looks fine. No matter how hard you tried to screw it up.”
“Does it make you mad?”
“I don’t care. Do what you want.”
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“I just don’t understand you is all.”
“Did you find Cloud?”
“What’s it matter? You hate all this pairing off stuff anyway, right? You hate the boys and you hate the girls who love them.”
“I don’t hate them.”
“Right. You don’t care. Whatever.”
“I care about you.”
“Do you now?”
“And him.”
“Right.”
“I do. In my way.”
“And what way is that?”
“A different one than yours.”
“Oh, is that all?”
“That’s all.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So. Today’s the day.”
“Yeah, River. It is.”
“I know.”
“Are you gonna do it? Gonna lower yourself to our level?”
“I guess I have to, don’t I?”
“Yeah.”
“Or the men will come?”
“Yep.”
“The men of winter… Boys of summer, men of winter.”
“Girls of spring, women of autumn.” Rain rolled her neck and sighed. She sat on the edge of the bed.
River sat up. “I didn’t really believe in the men before. I mean. I didn’t really think one way or the other. They were just this thing. Stories. But Ms. Tide says they’re real.”
“Oh, they’re real.”
“How do you know? I thought they never showed themselves to girls. Unless. Well. You know. Unless they were coming to punish you.”
“There was a girl in my class, this was ages ago, my first or second year. Anyway, she was of age, her first time. And she didn’t pair off. There just weren’t enough boys or something, I don’t remember it all. I just remember when she didn’t show up the next day. Just. Gone.”
“That’s horrible.”
“That’s life.”
“…”
“River. You don’t always have to like it. It’s just something that we do. It doesn’t mean that much. Not until you want it to. And that’s your choice.”
“Thanks for trying.”
Rain moved closer. “Look. Sorry if I was a cold before. I just. I mean, why do you have to make things so hard? When mom left for the woods, you had to make a big deal. You had to ask why. You had to go looking. And we all got in trouble.”
“I know.”
“We’ll see her again. When we go.”
“You’ll be going soon, huh?”
“Probably. But that’s how it is. Accept it. Accept things. I know it sounds, well, it doesn’t sound nice. It sounds harsh, but it’s not. It just is. Accept things. They are what they are. Things are all that they can be and that’s it. Does that make sense? I know it doesn’t but. Just. River. It really will be okay.”
“I know. I just wanted a chance.”
“A chance to what?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping to find out.”
“Maybe you will.”
“I think it’s too late.”
“Maybe not.”
“Not if I leave Marli. Not if I run away.”
“Don’t even joke. You love Marli.”
“Do I?”
“Sure. Besides, where would you go?”
“Maybe there are other towns.”
“You don’t know that.”
“But maybe.”
“Don’t even joke.”
River lay her head down. Rain’s bony shoulder. Cold, wet hair brushed her cheeks. She closed her eyes. The world turned pink, backlit by the sun. And it was time to get ready for school.
---
The chatter wasn't present that morning. Evaporated into the heavy air.
And all the girls lined up.
The boys were on their way.
The mass of their sun darkened shoulders crested the hill like the sun itself. Warmth. River could feel the heat of them. She looked to the other girls. Pool’s wide eyes. The wetness in them rippled. She was terrified.
River looked to her feet.
“Girl.”
“…”
“Girl.”
River pulled her head up. The boy’s hair was dark and full. And his teeth. Oh, his teeth. But River wouldn’t look at those. She would look at his eyes. Into the lonely moon.
“My name is Beam.”
“Oh."
“Will you pair off with me?”
“…”
He held out his hand. “Girl?”
“…”
“Girl.”
“My name is River.”
“River.”
“What?”
“Will you pair off with me?”
“…”
“Will you?”
“I will.”
River heard Pool call her name. Over her shoulder, she could see her being led into the woods on the opposite side of the clearing by her own boy. Eyes still rippling. River watched the shadows of the trees surround her friend. And swallow her.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Beam held her hand.
Into the woods. She’d been here before but not like this.
So.
But.
Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the moment where it could all change. River would stop being a girl as he led her through the trees. She would be a woman or close enough. She would talk with him. He would be sweet. And as afraid as she was. And they would both be clumsy and unsure. Unsure of the act, but sure of each other. And it would be sweet. She would want it. And he would be sweet. And things would be different.
So.
But.
It wasn’t that moment. It isn’t. It’s just this. Things are as they are and that’s all that they can be. It’s just this.
“I like your hair.”
“My sister said you might.”
They stopped. Wherever it was they were going, they'd arrived.
River looked to her feet. The boy’s shadow moved over them. There was a salty smell. Body. His feet stepped into view. Bare where the blue jeans ended. There was a salty taste. Tears. And then more of him in her downward view. Closer. And his lips on her cheek. Kissing the tears. Tasting them. Taking them. Drinking from her. A deep breath. And her head pulled up. Facing the sky. Then lips on her neck.
“Can I... Can I just sit? A minute.” She shifted back. He let her.
“Okay. Yeah. Are you okay?”
“Uhm. I guess. I just.” River sat on a log and held her head. The boy touched her shoulders.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t?”
“Well, it’s just.” She stood. And paced. And shook her hands, wrists loose. “I dunno. I dunno!”
“Hey. Girl, it’s okay.”
“My name is River.”
“Okay. Okay, River.”
And he was close again. Working on buttons. And salt; smell and taste. Her head up, facing that old sky but it was daytime and the moon wasn't showing itself.
Her dress came down. Something happened to Beam at the sight of her. The wind moved the leaves. The leaves moved the light. The boy and girl were still. River looked to her feet. Beam looked at River.
“Lay down.”
“Don’t.”
But she did. On the dirt. She spread her legs. Far too smooth. And arms. And placed her hand on a stone. And he was above her. And his jeans. Coming down. And his heat. And she gripped the stone.
“Beautiful.”
And then she brought it fast into the side of his head. Pink to gray. The taste of salt. Body. Tears. Blood.
He fell and bled. It spread. So much, so much more than she’d meant, than she would have thought, if she had thought. It was on her. Sticky and hot. She held her hand against the flow. Tried to hold in what was coming out.
“I’m sorry. Wake up. I’ll let you. I’ll let you. Just wake up. I’m sorry. Here.” She kissed his still lips. Grabbed his still hands and ran them over her. “Please.” She lay on him and wept. She moved like she thought she was meant to. “Please.”
But he didn’t. So she slid off and backed away and gathered up her dress. She climbed inside it and held her knees. Everything was golden.
“I have to get home.”
River went back to town with a heart full of salt. And night came to Marli.
---
River stared in the mirror, River stared at the mirror.
“I have to wash it off.” She felt bad saying it. It seemed wrong somehow to just wash it away, like she was washing him away. Pieces of him whirling down the drain. But it had to be done. Some things just did, she realized that now. So she undressed and stepped into the bath.
“No hurting the boy,” she said.
It took a long time for it all to come off. Especially her hair, short though it was. River sat up as she scrubbed. Alert. Waiting for Rain to return.
But she never did.
So River lay down on the bed, thinking so much, so fast. She couldn’t catch the thoughts as they passed, one to the next before recognition could set in.
She should go. She should leave. But she didn’t. She just laid there, started counting. Something to slow her mind. She started counting Clouds. Like the boy. Dozens and dozens of them. Boy after boy. All with Cloud’s face. His body. His smile. No, his eyes. All the boys were like him. And all the girls were like her. And then she was a boy like him and she counted and slept.
It was the quiet that woke her later, not the cold. Silence, absolute. So thick, so present that she wondered if she’d ever heard anything at all. Maybe she’d just imagined it all from the start, wishfully thought it up. The crickets and lullabies, the leaves in the breeze and the creak of the door. She tried to remember them and realized she couldn’t smell either. She realized that it was cold, so cold that her nostrils were numb, as dead to smell as her ears were to sound.
“Rain?” She looked out the window and saw the snow. Threw the window open and leaned out.
Nothing moving, save for the flakes from the sky. Falling down. Building up. Not a soul. Just the snow. She’d never seen it before. It was always green in Marli, in the plains.
“Rain!”
River felt her ankle almost-twist on the stairs. She caught herself in time and turned her fall into a jump. The landing sent shocks up to the bottoms of her knees.
The front door opened onto the night. All was either black or white.
The effect of fresh snow on bare feet made her gasp. She clutched the trunk of a tree for support, waited as all feeling left her, watched as it spilled from her mouth like a fog.
“Hello?”
She wandered deeper into town, past the stone clock tower, no ticks or tocks. She came to a stop in the shadows of the great windmills. Unmoving.
“Is there anyone here?”
There was. Not far. In a patch of moonlight. Two bodies, holding one another.
“Rain?”
Her shape and height. Skinny and tall.
“Cloud?”
As still as the windmills, as white as the snow. In each other’s arms. Frozen that way. So pretty in white, prettier than they’d ever been. And their faces. Seeing theirs, River felt tears harden on hers. The hunger between them. The wanting. She could see it. All of it.
“Best be moving on, little one.” The voice was cracked. Rough. Worn. Pieces missing.
River turned to the man standing behind her. “What did you do to them? To everyone?”
“Don’t worry, love. Won’t keep. We do this all the time, you just don’t remember.”
“Why?”
“Because usually we freeze you too.”
“No, why do it? Why them? It was me. It’s my fault. My fault he’s dead. I’m sorry I did it, but I did it. I tried to take it back. I couldn’t. You know. I know you know. You’re supposed to come for me.”
“They are. That’s why you best be moving on.”
“No.”
“No?”
“This is my home. You’re the strangers here. You and your boys. You go. You leave. You best be moving on. I’m staying. I’m not afraid of you. Any of you. I’m staying. I love Marli.”
“Do you?”
“I do.”
“Do you?”
“I dunno.”
She stepped toward him. He stepped away. She flexed her toes beneath the snow. Pins and needles. A coppery smell.
“Who are you?”
“A man.”
“Why do you back away from me?"
“…”
“You’re afraid.”
“Ridiculous."
She stepped toward him again. He stepped away.
“You’re afraid of me.”
“There’s no time.”
“Who are you?”
“Best move on.”
“Tell me your name.”
“No.”
“Tell me your name. Who are you?”
“Blue. I’m a friend. A friend of Ms. Current.”
“…”
“Now leave this town. Don’t come back. Find another, if there are any to find.”
“You knew my mother.”
“…”
“Mr. Blue, you knew my mother.”
“Know her still. Visit her in the woods.”
“You?”
With her eyes narrowed, she saw it in his. Moonlight reflected. The lonely moon. She stepped forward quickly. She understood something. Many things. “You poor man.”
He turned. Said nothing. She circled.
“Why do you do it? Why do you live up there in the mountains alone? All of you. Why do you do it to yourselves? Cut yourselves off from us? Your women, your girls and your boys.”
“You know nothing of us.”
“You know nothing of me. Why do you do it?”
“…”
“Why?”
“Because we have to. It’s what you want. What the boys need.”
“No it’s not.”
“They’ll be here soon.
“Why can’t you ever feel the sun? Why can’t I ever see the snow? Why did mom have to go to the woods? Why will Rain have to follow her there? Because of you. Because you say so.”
“Things are the way the are. They can’t be any other way.”
“I don’t accept that.”
“That’s why you have to leave. They’ll be here soon, Mr. Black and the rest. You best move on.”
“Yes. I supposed I best. I can’t stay here anymore.”
“No.”
“But you came to warn me.”
“Yes.”
“And Rain will be okay.”
“If you go now.”
“Then I will.”
And she went to him. Raised herself up on the balls of her feet. Kissed his cold, dead cheek. “Thank you.”
He said nothing. But the lonely moon sparkled.
“I’m sorry I hurt the boy.”
“I know.”
River headed for the bridge. Once she crossed it, the snow stopped falling. The ground became wet and warm. The white gave way to green and more.
And River began to run. She ran fast. Legs feeling powerful, nothing more.
River ran.
Her heart raced and her body moved. She fell in love with running.
“Goodbye, schoolhouse. Goodbye, clock tower. Goodbye, windmills. Goodbye, woods and dusty roads. Goodbye, Pool. Goodbye, Ms. Tide. Goodbye. Goodbye, Rain.”
Behind her, the clock ticked. The windmills began to turn.
“Goodbye, Beam.”
Women and girls and boys awoke.
“Goodbye. Marli.”
Goodbye, River.
“…”
He held out his hand. “Girl?”
“…”
“Girl.”
“My name is River.”
“River.”
“What?”
“Will you pair off with me?”
“…”
“Will you?”
“I will.”
River heard Pool call her name. Over her shoulder, she could see her being led into the woods on the opposite side of the clearing by her own boy. Eyes still rippling. River watched the shadows of the trees surround her friend. And swallow her.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Beam held her hand.
Into the woods. She’d been here before but not like this.
So.
But.
Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the moment where it could all change. River would stop being a girl as he led her through the trees. She would be a woman or close enough. She would talk with him. He would be sweet. And as afraid as she was. And they would both be clumsy and unsure. Unsure of the act, but sure of each other. And it would be sweet. She would want it. And he would be sweet. And things would be different.
So.
But.
It wasn’t that moment. It isn’t. It’s just this. Things are as they are and that’s all that they can be. It’s just this.
“I like your hair.”
“My sister said you might.”
They stopped. Wherever it was they were going, they'd arrived.
River looked to her feet. The boy’s shadow moved over them. There was a salty smell. Body. His feet stepped into view. Bare where the blue jeans ended. There was a salty taste. Tears. And then more of him in her downward view. Closer. And his lips on her cheek. Kissing the tears. Tasting them. Taking them. Drinking from her. A deep breath. And her head pulled up. Facing the sky. Then lips on her neck.
“Can I... Can I just sit? A minute.” She shifted back. He let her.
“Okay. Yeah. Are you okay?”
“Uhm. I guess. I just.” River sat on a log and held her head. The boy touched her shoulders.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t?”
“Well, it’s just.” She stood. And paced. And shook her hands, wrists loose. “I dunno. I dunno!”
“Hey. Girl, it’s okay.”
“My name is River.”
“Okay. Okay, River.”
And he was close again. Working on buttons. And salt; smell and taste. Her head up, facing that old sky but it was daytime and the moon wasn't showing itself.
Her dress came down. Something happened to Beam at the sight of her. The wind moved the leaves. The leaves moved the light. The boy and girl were still. River looked to her feet. Beam looked at River.
“Lay down.”
“Don’t.”
But she did. On the dirt. She spread her legs. Far too smooth. And arms. And placed her hand on a stone. And he was above her. And his jeans. Coming down. And his heat. And she gripped the stone.
“Beautiful.”
And then she brought it fast into the side of his head. Pink to gray. The taste of salt. Body. Tears. Blood.
He fell and bled. It spread. So much, so much more than she’d meant, than she would have thought, if she had thought. It was on her. Sticky and hot. She held her hand against the flow. Tried to hold in what was coming out.
“I’m sorry. Wake up. I’ll let you. I’ll let you. Just wake up. I’m sorry. Here.” She kissed his still lips. Grabbed his still hands and ran them over her. “Please.” She lay on him and wept. She moved like she thought she was meant to. “Please.”
But he didn’t. So she slid off and backed away and gathered up her dress. She climbed inside it and held her knees. Everything was golden.
“I have to get home.”
River went back to town with a heart full of salt. And night came to Marli.
---
River stared in the mirror, River stared at the mirror.
“I have to wash it off.” She felt bad saying it. It seemed wrong somehow to just wash it away, like she was washing him away. Pieces of him whirling down the drain. But it had to be done. Some things just did, she realized that now. So she undressed and stepped into the bath.
“No hurting the boy,” she said.
It took a long time for it all to come off. Especially her hair, short though it was. River sat up as she scrubbed. Alert. Waiting for Rain to return.
But she never did.
So River lay down on the bed, thinking so much, so fast. She couldn’t catch the thoughts as they passed, one to the next before recognition could set in.
She should go. She should leave. But she didn’t. She just laid there, started counting. Something to slow her mind. She started counting Clouds. Like the boy. Dozens and dozens of them. Boy after boy. All with Cloud’s face. His body. His smile. No, his eyes. All the boys were like him. And all the girls were like her. And then she was a boy like him and she counted and slept.
It was the quiet that woke her later, not the cold. Silence, absolute. So thick, so present that she wondered if she’d ever heard anything at all. Maybe she’d just imagined it all from the start, wishfully thought it up. The crickets and lullabies, the leaves in the breeze and the creak of the door. She tried to remember them and realized she couldn’t smell either. She realized that it was cold, so cold that her nostrils were numb, as dead to smell as her ears were to sound.
“Rain?” She looked out the window and saw the snow. Threw the window open and leaned out.
Nothing moving, save for the flakes from the sky. Falling down. Building up. Not a soul. Just the snow. She’d never seen it before. It was always green in Marli, in the plains.
“Rain!”
River felt her ankle almost-twist on the stairs. She caught herself in time and turned her fall into a jump. The landing sent shocks up to the bottoms of her knees.
The front door opened onto the night. All was either black or white.
The effect of fresh snow on bare feet made her gasp. She clutched the trunk of a tree for support, waited as all feeling left her, watched as it spilled from her mouth like a fog.
“Hello?”
She wandered deeper into town, past the stone clock tower, no ticks or tocks. She came to a stop in the shadows of the great windmills. Unmoving.
“Is there anyone here?”
There was. Not far. In a patch of moonlight. Two bodies, holding one another.
“Rain?”
Her shape and height. Skinny and tall.
“Cloud?”
As still as the windmills, as white as the snow. In each other’s arms. Frozen that way. So pretty in white, prettier than they’d ever been. And their faces. Seeing theirs, River felt tears harden on hers. The hunger between them. The wanting. She could see it. All of it.
“Best be moving on, little one.” The voice was cracked. Rough. Worn. Pieces missing.
River turned to the man standing behind her. “What did you do to them? To everyone?”
“Don’t worry, love. Won’t keep. We do this all the time, you just don’t remember.”
“Why?”
“Because usually we freeze you too.”
“No, why do it? Why them? It was me. It’s my fault. My fault he’s dead. I’m sorry I did it, but I did it. I tried to take it back. I couldn’t. You know. I know you know. You’re supposed to come for me.”
“They are. That’s why you best be moving on.”
“No.”
“No?”
“This is my home. You’re the strangers here. You and your boys. You go. You leave. You best be moving on. I’m staying. I’m not afraid of you. Any of you. I’m staying. I love Marli.”
“Do you?”
“I do.”
“Do you?”
“I dunno.”
She stepped toward him. He stepped away. She flexed her toes beneath the snow. Pins and needles. A coppery smell.
“Who are you?”
“A man.”
“Why do you back away from me?"
“…”
“You’re afraid.”
“Ridiculous."
She stepped toward him again. He stepped away.
“You’re afraid of me.”
“There’s no time.”
“Who are you?”
“Best move on.”
“Tell me your name.”
“No.”
“Tell me your name. Who are you?”
“Blue. I’m a friend. A friend of Ms. Current.”
“…”
“Now leave this town. Don’t come back. Find another, if there are any to find.”
“You knew my mother.”
“…”
“Mr. Blue, you knew my mother.”
“Know her still. Visit her in the woods.”
“You?”
With her eyes narrowed, she saw it in his. Moonlight reflected. The lonely moon. She stepped forward quickly. She understood something. Many things. “You poor man.”
He turned. Said nothing. She circled.
“Why do you do it? Why do you live up there in the mountains alone? All of you. Why do you do it to yourselves? Cut yourselves off from us? Your women, your girls and your boys.”
“You know nothing of us.”
“You know nothing of me. Why do you do it?”
“…”
“Why?”
“Because we have to. It’s what you want. What the boys need.”
“No it’s not.”
“They’ll be here soon.
“Why can’t you ever feel the sun? Why can’t I ever see the snow? Why did mom have to go to the woods? Why will Rain have to follow her there? Because of you. Because you say so.”
“Things are the way the are. They can’t be any other way.”
“I don’t accept that.”
“That’s why you have to leave. They’ll be here soon, Mr. Black and the rest. You best move on.”
“Yes. I supposed I best. I can’t stay here anymore.”
“No.”
“But you came to warn me.”
“Yes.”
“And Rain will be okay.”
“If you go now.”
“Then I will.”
And she went to him. Raised herself up on the balls of her feet. Kissed his cold, dead cheek. “Thank you.”
He said nothing. But the lonely moon sparkled.
“I’m sorry I hurt the boy.”
“I know.”
River headed for the bridge. Once she crossed it, the snow stopped falling. The ground became wet and warm. The white gave way to green and more.
And River began to run. She ran fast. Legs feeling powerful, nothing more.
River ran.
Her heart raced and her body moved. She fell in love with running.
“Goodbye, schoolhouse. Goodbye, clock tower. Goodbye, windmills. Goodbye, woods and dusty roads. Goodbye, Pool. Goodbye, Ms. Tide. Goodbye. Goodbye, Rain.”
Behind her, the clock ticked. The windmills began to turn.
“Goodbye, Beam.”
Women and girls and boys awoke.
“Goodbye. Marli.”
Goodbye, River.
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